Marriage must be handled with care

A speaker I heard several years ago told a story that went something like this:  A child wondered out loud, while watching her grandmother polish silver, why she so carefully rubbed each piece and placed it in a felt lined drawer.  Her grandmother replied, “If you want something to last forever, treat it differently.”  Marriage needs to be treated differently, but only if we want it to last.  It can’t be an afterthought.  It needs to be protected.

There are many behaviors that obviously don’t protect marriage.  Viewing pornography, isolating yourself for hours in front of computer games or the TV, physically or emotionally abusing your spouse, flirting on line with someone that is not your spouse, or withholding sex are a few examples of behaviors that have a negative impact on marriage.  According to therapist and author, Paul Pearsall, marriages fail because we base relationships on “I” and don’t understand the concept of “Us” We worry about making ourselves happy rather than considering “what’s best for us.”  Learning to think in terms of “Us” protects your marriage.

In his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, John Gottman, a leading research scientist on marriage, suggests that some of the ways we talk to each other aren’t protective of marriage.  He found that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (withdrawing physically or emotionally) damage marriage.  Your thoughts (self-talk) can also sabotage marriage.  In relationships there are often two levels of self-talk.  The first is noticing the thing he/she does that bugs you: “I can’t believe you didn’t pick up your clothes!” The second level is attacking the person” “You’re lazy and inconsiderate!”  This level is much more dangerous and can result in emotional disconnect if not corrected.

Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight, and developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, says we need to know that our spouse is accessible and responsive.  “Can I count on you, are you there for me?  Do I matter to you?  Do you need me, rely on me?”  If you are able to reach out to your spouse and comfort them when they look distressed, you’re protecting your marriage.  Many of us go to extremes to protect the things that are important to us.  We take up two spaces in a parking lot so our car or truck doesn’t get dented, we lock up our valuables in a safe deposit box, or we walk our children to school so no harm comes to them.  Marriage deserves the same consideration.  Do a self-inventory.  Observe how you think about, talk to, and act toward your spouse.  Are your thoughts and actions protecting your relationship?  If not, try doing things differently.  After all, as Albert Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  This is an article from the Herald Journal in Logan, Utah by Nancy Webb who is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Logan.  She can be reached at nancy.webb@hotmail.com